Slingshot Skiing/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Out of a couple of stolen bicycles. [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now let's hear it for the host with the most -- well, in terms of facial hair, anyway, wa-a-a! -- The star of "the red green show," mr. Red green! [ cheers and applause ] that's your guy. Thank you very much, and, uh, thank you for mentioning my beard there, harold. I-I take it that was just jealousy on your part. N-no, n-no, no, no, no, no! Wa-a-a! The beard's your thing. I don't want any part of it. This is my thing. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Well, I think that makes us even. Anyway, we had a bit of excitement up at the lodge this week. Moose thompson decided he wanted to go water-skiing -- the only problem being we don't really have a boat powerful enough to get moose up. Neither does the navy, wa-a-a! Moose is bigger than an ox. Well, physically, yes. Mentally, it's too close to call. So, moose figured he had to find another way to go water-skiing, so he decided he'd go out and find a lake with a hill in it. Wa-a-a! Uncle red... Excuse me, but I don't think you're gonna find a lake with a hill in it -- there's no such thing. Well, what's a waterfall, harold? So, moose went water-skiing over rocky reef falls. Oh, that's an excellent choice -- rocky reef falls, excellent choice -- because people say, you know, that where the water falls into -- that pond -- they say it's bottomless, so... Yeah, well, according to moose, those reports are exaggerated. Uh, in fact, the collision, uh, almost made moose bottomless. But, uh, when he regained consciousness in the recovery room, he saw some of that surgical tubing, uh, hanging on the wall there, and, uh, that gave him an idea. Two ideas in one day? That doesn't sound like moose to me. Well, I blame the concussion. So, what he did was, uh, he managed to steal about 100 feet of that tubing, and he hid it in his belly button. He told them he was an outie. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ it's a beautiful morning on a beautiful day ♪ ♪ there's dew in the meadow ♪ ♪ while others do on the hay ♪ ♪ good morning to the sparrow ♪ ♪ good morning to the dove ♪ ♪ good morning to the men as we sit down for supper ♪ ♪ oh, for gosh sakes, I slept in ♪ this week on, uh, "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how you can use one type of transportation to, uh, transport another type of transportation. Uh, we're actually transposing the one trans... All right, what I'm talking about here is, uh, moving your boat, you know, like a trailer type of thing. But, of course, you don't necessarily need a trailer because, uh, the easiest way to, uh, lead a boat to water is just to throw the thing into your van. [ glass shatters ] [ clears throat ] you might want to check that the van's empty first. Uh, might have your camping equipment in there, or... Or in this case, a chandelier that I promised my wife I'd take back to the store. Okay, uh, boat trailers. Now, boat trailers come in all sizes. You might have a real small boat trailer, or...You might have a real big, uh, boat trailer. This one here, we could just fill this up with water and go canoeing right in the trailer itself. But maybe, uh -- maybe some of you don't have, uh, 2,000 bucks to spend on a trailer, so I what I suggest is you get one of them, uh, trailer spare tires, and then you just, uh, cruise the highways looking for an abandoned trailer with a flat. You know, when you get a trailer out of that, you get yourself, usually, a half-decent boat and motor. And once you file off the serial numbers, you can have yourself a nice summer. Uh, but for those of you who don't enjoy prison food, we're gonna show you how you can make your own boat trailer to transport the form of transportation, you know, using another -- but, for that, you're gonna need another form of transportation. Get yourself a couple of, uh, old bikes. I got these here from the police auction. Uh, the cops stole them from harold. Uh, oh, yeah, don't use good bikes. Okay, now, uh, this here is your, uh, galvanized steel piping. You're gonna need that for the framework for your boat trailer, and I got a bunch of joints here. I got, uh -- I got t-joints, and I got, uh -- I got the l-joints. I got x-joints, and I got q-joints. Got pretty well the whole alphabet here, but just the consonants, not the vowels. Don't -- I mean, like, an o-joint is of no use to you at all. Of course, a beer joint, that's a different story. Okay, now, what you're gonna need is a hacksaw to cut the galvanized piping. [ clattering ] well, you need a hacksaw. I use power tools. [ saw whirring ] and now my favorite part of the show -- the part where we expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." wa-a-a! And here to prove that point is my uncle red and his best friend in the whole wide world... Today, it's mr. Glen braxton. "dear experts..." wa-a-a! "for years, we have been told "that the communists wanted to control the whole world, "but it turned out they couldn't even control bulgaria. "why did the entire communist system collapse, and could the same thing happen to capitalism?" I don't know. I think the reason the communist system collapsed was one word -- recreational vehicles. Yeah. You ever seen a russki r.V.? You ever seen karl marx driving around in a motor home? Oh, no, no, it wasn't him. And why not? You see, you remember may day? It's always on the news. They got those guys up there waving as all the missiles go by and all the tanks go by, but not one r.V. You know why? 'cause they didn't want people to roam around the soviet union. No, they didn't want to give them their four tons of freedom. That's what it was. Yeah. You got the kgb. You got the ussr. You got r.V. Pbht! Communism fell at the knees... Of the r.V. Well, thank you, mr. Braxton, for that interesting insight into global politics. You show me a society that doesn't have r.V.S, harold, and I'll show you a society that's politically and morally and spiritually corrupt. The winnebago-domino theory. "it is winter. "the snow on the mountain reminds me of uncle larry. "uncle larry was not educated, but he knew the woods. "'coniferous,' he would say, "'what the heck does coniferous mean?' "or, 'ecology,' he would say, "'what the heck does ecology mean?' "I remember that last time "we were hiking on the snowy mountain "and uncle larry said his last words to me. 'avalanche?' he said to me. 'what the heck does ava--'" [ saw whirring ] [ whirring stops ] all right. Uh, oh, I forgot. Uh, you might want to measure the width of the canoe first to make sure -- to make sure that it's wide enough. Ah. We got lucky there. Okay, now, what you want to do is check the, uh -- the cut end of the pipe to see if there's any metal spurs or slivers or what have you. Yeah, yeah, she's loaded with 'em. All right, now, uh, we take a few of these l-joints and t-joints and what have you, and, uh, we have to connect them to the bike so that we can then connect the rods across to the bikes and make our framework. So, we'll take, uh, one of these t-joints here and, uh, just stick that down right onto the handlebar. I don't -- how's that gonna... How's that gonna hook on there if it's a solid... Maybe one of these... Well, uh, I think what we'll have to use here is the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. And there you have it, and you just saved yourself 1,000 bucks. And, you know, when you're not using it as a boat trailer, you can use it as a bicycle built for two. And it's actually better than the real bicycle built for two. 'cause on them, the guy in the back has kind of a scary view. Okay, so, uh, our trailer's ready for our load, so let's get our load and put it on the trailer. [ grunts ] up she goes. Okay, let's put her on here. Straighten her up. A little bit of duct tape. [ duct tape rips ] that's the duct tape. There we go. Okay. Now we just take our tongue and, uh -- well, not our tongue, the tongue of the trailer -- and, uh, hook her onto the hitch here. Okay, and then another little piece of duct tape. Safety first. And, uh...There you have it. So, uh, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I'm going boating. [ engine turns over ] [ laughs ] [ gasps ] it went in the hole. I sank it in the hole! I put it in the hole! Anybody?! I put the ball in the hole! [ laughs ] red: Bob. Right in the hole! Red! Bob, bob, bob, bob, bob. I put the ball in the hole! No, no, no, no, no. No, bob, bob, bob. Your ball's back there. It's in a groundhog hole. I just -- I put that one in there, you know, like a little joke. [ laughing ] oh. [ chuckles ] oh, a joke. Yeah. [ both laugh ] well, that's a very good joke. Thank you. Especially the part about the ball in the groundhog hole. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I was serious about that part. No, red, no. It's either all a joke, or it's all serious. That's the way it works. Oh. And since the ball in the cup was a joke, well, I'm gonna have to take a free drop. Sorry. Oh. Buster said you wanted to see me about something, bob. Oh, yeah, that's right, red. I hear that moose has made a slingshot out of surgical tubing. Yeah, yeah. And he's planning to water-ski with it by slingshotting himself across the lake? Well, I didn't know that, but it certainly fits his personality profile. Oh. [ laughs ] another joke. Oh, yeah. [ laughs ] well, uh, red, doesn't it seem like a trivial use of a high-tech piece of medical equipment to you? Slingshot water-skiing? Come on. Well, I'm surprisingly unconcerned about it, bob. Well, maybe you should be concerned about it, red. I mean, it could be environmentally hazardous -- people flying headfirst into trees and denting them. I may have to "confinscate" that hose from moose. I mean, heh, could you imagine how far that baby could fire a golf ball? Could put me on the pro tour. Well, moose thompson's slingshot-water-skiing unit was a bit of a bust. Wa-a-a! Uncle red, what happened to you? Nothing good, harold. Have you tried the slingshot-water-ski thing yet? Well, I wanted to, you know. But every time I got up to the front of the line, moose kept sling-shooting me to the back. Once was funny, but after six times, I give up, you know. Well, the problem is -- and they got the thing working real great -- but, you know, once men get something working, they're immediately bored with it. So they wanted to try something called a double-shooter. So, instead of one guy, junior and moose both hopped up into the sling there, and then all the other guys got together and pulled the tubing back, and they pulled it so hard that the trees that it was tied to ripped right out of the ground and shot past 'em. This slingshot wasn't made acme company by any chance, was it? No, why? Just asking, wa-a-a! [ imitating road runner ] beep, beep! [ laughs ] anyway, it's not very often you see a birch tree and its entire root system doing 900 miles an hour... Even up here. And when the trees zipped past the guys, it actually lifted them right off their feet, so we had a whole ball of kind of plant and animal life hurtling towards the two-holer which I was coming out of. Whoo! Holey! And, well, they yelled to warn me, but they were traveling faster than the speed of sound, so I didn't actually hear 'em till four minutes after they hit me. Which really wasn't all that helpful. Well, I guess that's the end of the slingshot thing. And the outhouse, too. No, no, no. Everybody wants to try the double-shot thing. I mean, these guys never heard of "live and learn." no, 'round here, it's "monkey see, monkey do." wa-a-a! I think I just spotted one. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there's a big rig sitting in the parking lot ♪ ♪ an 18-wheeler, which is usually 9 on each side ♪ ♪ the driver squeezes his big, fat tattooed belly ♪ ♪ in behind the wheel ♪ ♪ a-a-and you can hear the roar of the diesel squeal ♪ ♪ he drops her into 1 of 32 gears ♪ ♪ oh, for gosh sakes, he stalls it ♪ red: Every week we do something for the young people. And, unfortunately, this week is no exception. Wa-a-a. Well, hi, I'm harold green, and welcome, all you young viewers, to... [ keyboard clacking ] ..."posturing for popularity." wa-a-a, okay, all right. All right, I found t-t-the secret to impressing the opposite sex. Wa-a-a! I'm gonna share it with you, okay? You know what it is? The secret to impressing the opposite sex is look sharp. Wa-a-a, it's true. All righty, so, next time you're out in front of the cafeteria, you know, waiting for all the tough guys to leave, use your time wisely to impress the babes, okay? Don't just stand there. Stand cool. Watch and learn, my friends, wa-a-a! Let 'em think that you're an athlete. You're friendly, but jocular. You're mysterious. "who's that guy? "he's introverted, isn't he?" "oh, my, who's the sexy dude?" "I bet you that guy is a thinker." [ film projector clicking ] aah! Ohh! [ boing! ] oh! Red: I really wish bill gave us a little more warning, you know, when he's coming over. Two or three years. Yeah, how are you, bill? Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Don't touch it. I'll take care of the hat. Time now for... "adventures with bill," starring bill. Ow! Now, the idea here was, uh -- oh, god. This may not last too long. The idea being we're trying to rake up the leaves. It's that time of year where all the leaves fall down in the forest and so on, and I was trying... But bill says, "no, no, there's a better way." he stole that duct tape right off my workbench, I'll betcha. So, bill's all -- the trouble with bill is... Well, I was gonna say, "he's always thinking," but he's not always thinking. He's always doing stuff and then thinking later. The idea here was he thought if he taped a couple of those rakes to his belt loops, and we hooked them -- they're on there real secure -- and he holds one rake in each hand, he can do the work of four people all at the one time, just running around. But he went over the bike, and it caught there, and then the belt -- boy, that duct tape really hangs in, doesn't it? You could use a bit of duct tape with some of those -- and then he got, uh, one of these leaf blowers, which, you know -- bill, bill, bill, bill. Oh. You know, the trouble is a lot of times when you rent equipment, you don't get the instructions with it. I'm not sure bill was completely sure of what he was doing there. Anyway, this is -- now, this one, I found this very intriguing. He had one of them plastic garbage cans, and he says, "the important thing here is you got to seal this down, "get it completely airtight. Get that lid on there right properly." and then he takes a huge thing out of his pants... Scared most of us. Fires that through the lid of the garbage can. Now, the idea is that apparently that pickax makes a ho-- oh, okay. Uh, it makes a hole exactly the same size as the hose, so, uh, what he wanted me to do was to take the end of the hose, stick it in the hole, and that's like an airtight seal in there. And then he's gonna get the other end of the hose, and I thought he was gonna blow into this, but, no, he's gonna suck on it. He's gonna suck all the air out of the gar-- but I think the problem was, with it being plastic and so on, basically, all he did was collapse the can at this point, so that really wasn't much of use, so to rethink this. You know, you got to -- [ thud ] man: Hey! Oops. This was plan "a." [ groans ] oh, oh, oh, oh. Now, plan "b" was he wanted me to get the metal garbage can. This was heavy. Boy, I'm telling you, it didn't look that heavy, but -- no, no, no, bill. You try to pick these up, and by golly, they're -- [ warble! ] oh, oh, oh. [ grunts ] oh, well. I don't stay in that cabin anymore. There's a peephole in there now. Now he sucks all the air out, but the trouble was he threw up a lot of stuff. You know, hindsight's a great thing. I think we should have emptied it out. A lot of old rotten leaves, and I'm actually not quite sure what that was. [ retching ] we haven't had a pony at the lodge for years. Anyway, we got that out of there and get the lid on there, and now he's got it airtight. Yeah, it's working. You can see it just starting, compresses a little, but not too much. The idea being here, what you're trying to do is create a vacuum inside the can. There we go, and I keep my thumb over it, so we got that contained, and when he takes the top off, it's just like opening the doors in "star trek" or something. [ air blowing and whistling ] it's like a complete vacuum. I think the same thing's under bill's, too. Anyway, he's got all the leaves in there, and he's as happy as heck. But, uh, I just didn't get to hurt him as much as I'd wanted to. Ow! Red: Here's ranger gord to tell us all what he does when he spots a forest fire. Sure, yeah, well, the first thing I'll do is I'll determine the exact location using my compass and my binoc-- [ whistle! ] [ glass shatters ] oh, boy. Well, usually, I can just use my compass. Boy, I hope those don't rust out in the rain like that. Anyway, I'll determine the exact -- whoa! That lightning strike was close. Mr. Green, I'll determine the exact location using my compass, and then I'll call it into headquarters. Robinson crusoe to my man Friday. Robinson crusoe to my man Friday. It's my code name. Report for December 29th -- it's not December, gord. Uh, weather -- severe thunderstorms. Fire danger low, bowels regular. I have my best friend, mr. Red green, here, who would like to say "hello." stand by. Just say "hello." I'll get the headphones so you can hear them. All righty. Well, that stupid surgical-tubing water-skiing slingshot thing has been declared off-limits forever. From now on, the water skiers up here can just use those huge overpowered boats like normal people do. What happened, uncle red? The guys run out of birch trees to rip out of the ground? No, they got bored again, harold, with the double-shot thing, so they all climbed into the sling there, went for what they called a "gang shoot." stinky peterson hooked his dump truck up to it and started driving down the driveway to tighten it. Wa-a-a! He got almost down to the road there, and he had her so tight, and all of a sudden, she started to fray and rupture and rip, and sproing! You ever been flicked with a wet towel, harold? Constantly. My mom can be so immature. Well, try multiplying that by 500. Whoo! Wa-a-a, what a bunch of losers. Sore losers. It was the snap heard 'round the world. Some of the guys have welts you could fry an egg on. No real damage done, but I don't think they'll be wearing wool pants for a few weeks. [ screeching ] we got to go to the meeting now, uncle red. Yeah, uh, you go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. Well, that's about it, so if my wife is watching, uh, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I would appreciate it that you don't say anything when I take my clothes off tonight. Just kind of limit yourself to the usual subdued laughter as you run to kill the lights. And, uh, to everybody else, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks so much for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching ] all rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati! Sit down, guys. [ all groaning ] sit down. Sit down. Sit down. [ groaning continues ]